Some Swedish grammar and linguistics:
Surprisingly many Swedes have a problem with when to use "de" and "dem". In English both words mean "them" or "they". Yes, as a sound it is actually just one word, the same word, spelled differently.
It gets even more complex: There are three spellings: "Dom", "Dem", "De".
The problem that they pose are, arguably, one of the few occurences in the Swedish language where it becomes culturally very similar to "most" other languages.
Without being a grammar expert, or grammar fan for that matter, I will venture to say that the most typical Romance languages and Slavic/Slavonic languages are more "specific", for example in their use of reflexivity. (If you are not sure what I am talking about in this passage, it is fine: neither am I).
The five most widely spoken standardized Romance languages include:Spanish, Portuguese, French, Italian, and Romanian. As to the Slavic languages which I am thinking of, these include Russian, Ukrainian, Czech and Slovak, Polish and Serbo-Croatian. Also, when you glance at Chinese, Japanese, Arabic and Persian, you find a similar "exactitude".
Simpler put: in Swedish, you can mention your cousin, that word in itself doesn't volunteer any information about the age or gender of the person you are refering to, or on which side of the family that he or she is. You will still have to elaborate. My experience of most languages, as the ones mentioned above, is that one word typically contains all that information.
Moreover, there is the matter of colloquialism versus "official" words. By this I mean that there are expressions used in everyday speech, which don't enter the written realm. In other words: You can say it, but you shouldn't write it.
The Swedish culture has blurred the lines; there's a mix of everything in written texts, news reports, government statements, on the radio and in school books. The awareness level of this mix is much lower in Sweden than in most other societies that I have come in contact with.
Which brings us back to the main point of this expedition: "dom", "de", "dem". As previously mentioned: they are all the same word and pronounced the same way. The difference in spelling comes from that the first word: "dom", is how you say it.
No, it is not the same as homophones. Homophones are words that sound the same, but are spelt differently and mean different things. For example: 'flower' and 'flour'. The thing with "dom" is that you pronounce it the same way as it is written and you can "get away" with using this spelling in formal contexts, as long as you are consistent. That is, you only use "dom" and do not randomly insert "de" or "dem" here or there.
So this is actually the "out" for those who want to make life simpler. However, for some reason, most Swedes seem to want to uphold the old tradition of being more "correct" and use the formal "de" and "dem" when they write. This includes informal contexts such as emails, blogs and letters to friends.
Considering that Swedes have gone out of their way to come off as the most informal culture in the world, this "sudden" hang-up puzzles me. Especially since very few Swedes get it right.
You see, "de" and "dem" is more complicated to use. Swedes have the same problem with "de" and "dem" as native English speakers struggle with "whilst", "whence", "who" and "whom".
It seems like there is some form of remnants of prestige in the usage, though the rest of peoples' communication can be very sloppy and mix slang, idioms and cursing without the slightest restraint. Suddenly, it becomes important to uphold grammatical tradition, even though you get it wrong most of the time?
Maybe the stubbornness stems from, besides the prestige, the understanding that no one else is getting it right either and thus that they won't be able to tell that you are clueless yourself. (Yes, I am aware of the rules about reflexive verbs and pronouns and that "you are clueless yourself" may not be the zenith of grammatical prowess; but it is semantically correct and style supersedes grammar).
To sum it up: "de" is used as a subject and "dem" is used as an object.
Subject form example:
De är... (they are)
De gick.. (they went/walked)
De tyckte.. (they thought)
De gillade.. (they liked)
Object form examples:
Vi var med dem (We were with them)
Vi gick med dem (We walked with them)
Vi höll med dem (We agreed with them).
Vi tyckte om dem (We liked them)
See the difference?
If not, stick to "dom" in all contexts - it works just fine.
